I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
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Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.