Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
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*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Sending in my taxes
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Employees must applaud the planets.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying