FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
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me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
This forever.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.