Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
You Might Also Like
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS