[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
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Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Yep.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.