I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
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sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall