I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
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I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.