I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
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“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
This was a bad idea all around
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.