I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
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Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Time heals everything 🙂