The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
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There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.