SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
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Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Well. That’s not a good sign.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?