“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
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Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
i actually laughed 😩
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.