said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
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Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.