Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
You Might Also Like
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?