Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
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Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Rich people don’t understand cereal
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.