Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
You Might Also Like
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Pikachu found the lost joint
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye