INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg