Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
You Might Also Like
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.