Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
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ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok