A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
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Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
“I FIXED IT!”
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face