H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
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Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
jesus christ confetti not now
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?