Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
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my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.