People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
You Might Also Like
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.