MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
You Might Also Like
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.