stop
You Might Also Like
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
March 16
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.