“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
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*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.