Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
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Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Oh we’ve met.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.