How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
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My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
boat question
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow