Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
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My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
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Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
that de-escalated quickly
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee