We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
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If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
If looks could kill
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.