Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
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it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
who wore it better?
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.