Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
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Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
If you love someone, let them sleep.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?