I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
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My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Beards are a privilege, not a right
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.