My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
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Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.