Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
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Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
True
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I like crazy people until they notice me
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty