God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
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ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
What flavor cupcake are these
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*