Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
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Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Seems legit
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit