Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
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therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”