All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
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#MeanwhileinCanada
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
It do be feeling this way.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.