If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
You Might Also Like
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay