Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
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Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.