Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
You Might Also Like
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
There is wisdom there.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
the last thing a carrot sees
🙋♀️
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.