I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
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If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there