Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
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Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
🍛
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Okay me first
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS