Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
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People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me: