Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
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Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
This a good idea
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*