[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
You Might Also Like
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Batman v Dracula
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
knights of the ikea table
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?