I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
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*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.