If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
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I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Ken is short for chicken
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy