Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
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Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.